My Own Meanderings

My Meanderings: A New Chapter Begins

March 7, 2022

A long journey of healing…

I can remember clearly one of the early meetings with my doctor about healing myself. I knew I needed to change-thus the doc. I was tired of being tired. I so exhausted by all the things I had worked so long and so hard to keep buried—all in the hopes of still finding happiness. But, I realized, “what one buries, grows…” I just knew something needed to change in my life—and it was me.

I told the Doc, in our early meetings that I was not one of those guys who put a post-it on the mirror, reads it aloud to myself, and believes it. Affirmations seemed so hokey to me. Here is the rub…it actually works. Granted, I found a different way to do it via social media platforms, not post-its. Once the algorithms tweaked themselves right, the thoughts and words of others began to change my outlook on life. So, I am that guy using social media as my post-it notes on the mirror for positive affirmations.

Covid has been a long and terrible thing. Too many people lost so much—their health, loved ones, and the toll was so hard for us all. I feel awkward sometimes because the lockdowns allowed me to turn inward and begin to face my past hurts and mistakes and heal for the first time. Without all this hardship and arduous work, I am not sure where I would be in life without this chance to change my life and outlook.


Finding my partner…

I say this because I had giving up finding a partner to walk this road of life with going forward. I had longed to share my love with someone. I wanted and needed support that I so very much wanted to reciprocate to the person helping me carry the burdens in our life.  Yet, I resigned myself to journey this lifetime alone with only my dogs to keep me company.

That is not to disregard chosen family who became my foundation early in this new chapter. They helped me heal, they encouraged me along this most difficult journey that I have been on in life. Then things happened. Life changed. A chapter closed and a new one began.

I met my wife. We had an exciting phone call—that was so easy to talk to one another. We went to dinner a couple of nights later and shut down the restaurant. A few days after that, we met for dinner again—and once again shut down the restaurant. I had found someone I vibed with so well-it was a little scary at first.

There was an audible click in the universe for me. After journeying in life alone for so exceptionally long, we found one another. So began this new chapter of my life.But like one of those social media affirmations said, “If I wanted a new life, I had to be willing to let go of all my past life.” And this part has been indeed painful for me.


My person, my home, and my future…

So, I did. It has been hard and costly. But I would not change it for the world now. When we married, the officiant asked me during the ceremony what three words came to mind when I looked at her? I spoke from the heart as I had been learning to do these last couple of years. I told the officiant that “she is my person, she is my home, and she is my future.”  He said, “Wow, that was deep.”  And admittedly, I thought to myself, “well, that’s how I roll—and how we will roll together in this lifetime.” But I kept that to myself for the moment.

We went away after our wedding. We did a zoom wedding as we are still in a pandemic. She is my balance—my guide, and so often leads me to think deeper thoughts and simply be or try to be a better man. She holds space for me, she is patient, and has more faith in me than I have sometimes in myself.

I still have a lot of growing still to do—but she is there to hold my hand and hold me when it gets too painful and too rough as I will do for her. She has promised to be my partner, to help carry these burdens in life we will share, as well as all the laughter, tears, and confidences—we each have found our person in the other. We also found home in one another—knowing the future is unwritten, but we will face it together. We will be holding hands as we face life and the future together.

So, a new chapter in my life begins.

How will you begin your new chapter today, or this week, or even this month??




Kevin J. White
Toronto, CA